True Confessions: Part Three
... Turn Left at the Crispy Creme...& Shoot Me Now, I'm 99!...
12. I cannot give you directions, unless you are coming by METRO, pony or foot.
Okay boys and girls. Let's ask Wanda for directions. Maybe not. After decades, I'm coming clean. I do not have a reliable sense of direction. I am sure that part of this is because I do not drive, and actual driving seems to impart magical directional skills, even to those scary half-assed drivers who have multiple accidents over their lifetimes.
|Esty Artist's Cherry Apron|
YOU: "Wanda, could you give me directions to your house from the train station?"
ME: "Sure!" (with an odd blend of sheepishness and completely unjustified enthusiasm). "Where are you coming from again?" (insert suspicious long pause)
ME AGAIN: "Okay! Okay...hmmm, so, drive 5 blocks straight and then turn right at the Dunkin Donuts--Not the one with the giant confetti frosted donut but the next Dunkin Donut on the far left across the highway, the one with this sort of egg and cheese croissant billboard. Yeah that one. Then make a semi-circle left turn. You'll see what I mean because it will genuinely feel more like this weird misshapen parallelogram than a semi-circle..."
I will actually say words like "genuinely" and "parallelogram." I will actually use the Dunkin Donuts or the VFW Hall with the enormous flag flying in front of it as vital landmarks. You'll arrive two hours late to my house. But I will have already baked a triple apple pie to apologize. Oy.
13. I'm 100. Stop Making a Bloody Party Out of It.
|Etsy Artist Humor Birthday|
Okay. Do I want to live to be 100? Honestly? No. There are days already when I awake with my bluebird chipper self, and I think what the hell is going on here? My body feels like I went to a costume party. I wore an ill-fitting Chinese imported, wire jabbing "Genuine French Maid Corset", drank too much and had a government issued hurricane sandbag flung countless times at my head, back and legs. That's after a boring evening of showering, watching the 11:00 news and resting my head against a satin pillow. So, I'm thinking, maybe keep the 100, that jam too. :-)
Catching up? See Confessions: Part One here and Part Two.