Saturday, June 25, 2011

day 36
True Confessions: Part Three
... Turn Left at the Crispy Creme...& Shoot Me Now, I'm 99!...

12.   I cannot give you directions, unless you are coming by METRO, pony or foot.
Okay boys and girls. Let's ask Wanda for directions. Maybe not. After decades, I'm coming clean. I do not have a reliable sense of direction. I am sure that part of this is because I do not drive, and actual driving seems to impart magical directional skills, even to those scary half-assed drivers who have multiple accidents over their lifetimes. 

Esty Artist's Cherry Apron
So please, kindly use your Tom Tom, Garmin or Baby Jesus North Star when coming to visit me, and I will happily await your arrival on the porch --in my cherry gingham apron --in high heels. Or simply be prepared for the following conversation:

YOU: "Wanda, could you give me directions to your house from the train station?"

ME:  "Sure!" (with an odd blend of sheepishness and completely unjustified enthusiasm). "Where are you coming from again?" (insert suspicious long pause) 

ME AGAIN "Okay! Okay...hmmm, so, drive 5 blocks straight and then turn right at the Dunkin Donuts--Not the one with the giant confetti frosted donut but the next Dunkin Donut on the far left across the highway, the one with this sort of egg and cheese croissant billboard. Yeah that one. Then make a semi-circle left turn. You'll see what I mean because it will genuinely feemore like this weird misshapen parallelogram than a semi-circle..."

I will actually say words like "genuinely" and "parallelogram." I will actually use the Dunkin Donuts or the VFW Hall with the enormous flag flying in front of it as vital landmarks. You'larrive two hours late to my house. But I wilhave already baked a triple apple pie to apologize. Oy.

13.   I'm 100. Stop Making a Bloody Party Out of It.
Etsy Artist Humor Birthday
When Willard Scott does that Smucker's Jam Happy 100th Birthday to Ethel Rinaldi in Scottsdale Arizona feature on the Today show, it paralyzes me. I mean please stop saying, "Now, isn't he a dapper fellow??!! Isn't she a spring flower?!!"  Because, no they are not. Stop saying he's 100 years young. Stop saying, "You're as young as you feel because --well--you're not --and you don't!

Okay. Do I want to live to be 100? Honestly? No. There are days already when I awake with my bluebird chipper self, and I think what the hell is going on here? My body feels like I went to a costume party. I wore an ill-fitting Chinese imported, wire jabbing "Genuine French Maid Corset", drank too much and had a government issued hurricane sandbag flung countless times at my head, back and legs. That's after a boring evening of showering, watching the 11:00 news and resting my head against a satin pillow. So, I'm thinking, maybe keep the 100, that jam too. :-)

Catching up? See Confessions: Part One here and Part Two.


MANvsGEORGE said...

Love it! Thanks so much for featuring my Skull card! And I hear you on the 100...AND the jam. Or is there some kind of secret meaning there? Like, Smucker's Jam is the (gelatinous) fountain of youth? ;-)

Wanda Fleming said...

LOL..yes what exactly is that message, Ryan? It is rife with corn syrup! Hope that's not an endorsement. Or maybe it's a conspiracy to get the elderly to lose their teeth and move to denture sets and creams even more quickly!!

weird amiga said...

I have the same problem.

Can't drive, and have little sense of direction. I will use words like perpendicular and parallel when giving directions, which shouldn't be off-putting to anyone, yet I've found people stare blankly as soon as I drop the words...!

Wanda of River Girls 365 said... next door neighbor is a scientist of some repute. He was born in London and grew up there. He has traveled through every continent with his research and spent time last year in Antartica. He cannot drive....I wonder if ultimately, non-drivers are God's gift to the

Vicki said...

Love your posting...good laugh!
Oh Willard, gotta love the old guy, ex-McDonald Clown, that's his operandi, putting that "cheerful" spin on most everything! Personally love Smuckers Jam and "healthy" centurions,(as healthy as you could possibly be, but not counting on being 100 personally. Maybe my own memory of --a festy ole Grandma serving me, my still favorite, Smuckers strawberry jam, accounts for this? And as far as giving directions, well I am a proud owner of a GPS and a late life highway driver via NYC...I still explain 'Point A to Point C" using "landmarks' like the left at the "Golden Archs" in about a mile, more than specific street names ...I get there eventually and so do my confused friends. :)

Wanda Fleming said... yours back V. Yes I admit that's the whole Willard shtick and he's a good guy and good at it! Rock on with the Garmond and Tom Tom...We have one and they do work though sometimes that lady goes crazy and starts driving you into dark alleyways and snowbanks. Got to keep an eye on

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