Monday, August 01, 2011

Dear Hollywood, Are You Trying to Give Me a Lap Dance or Are You Just Happy to be in the Dark with Me?

Or Why I Detest 3-D Movies
Day 73
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Recently, I ventured out to see the summer hit Captain America. My daughter who had preceded me to the ticket counter ran over and whispered "Mom, bad news. It's that 3D stuff you hate."

Bad news indeed. Hate? Yes, that's me, the nose thumbing, party crasher of Hollywood's latest money making venture.

River Girls Audrey Hepburn Happy Birthday "Dahling" Card
Maria Godoy of National Public Radio reported last week of her disdain for the cinematic slight of hand. 3D movies make her extremely nauseous. She claims she is not alone: "Reports of people suffering headaches, dizziness, eye fatigue and other visual discomforts from 3-D viewing have grown alongside the use of 3-D technology..."

I confess 3-D movies do  not give me a headache. They don't trigger nausea in me either, and I have a PhD in Nausea. Back when I was pregnant with our two children I suffered from severe hyperemesis. For the Latin challenged, that's when you wake up barfing. Then you throw up from seeing food commercials, smelling food, tasting food, and touching food. Basically for weeks, you're crawling around on the bathroom floor, moaning, "Please dear God, just kill me now." (Sometimes, if you're still in a half way decent mood, you add in "No offense kid," as you hold on to your trembling belly.)

No nausea at the movies, but I digress.

I hate 3-D movies for the gigantic glasses that I have to wear over my contacts which already do not accurately correct my astigmatism. Imagine if I had to wear them over my former coke bottle glasses? Please.

I hate them for that three extra bucks the movie moguls are charging for wobbly face plastic that costs about 45 cents to produce. Then they ask for them back? Really?

But mostly I hate it for the sense that Captain America was  sitting in my lap giving me a bachelorette lap dance I never ordered. We were that close. I half expected him to begin slurping on my overpriced, over-iced diet Coke.  

The You Are There intimacy of 3-D is crudely contrived and unnecessary. I never needed the dumbing down of 3-D to tell me that Jaws' Great White Shark was about to gnaw off a swimmer's leg or that the Godfather's Sonny was headed for the tollbooth massacre of his life. That's what imagination and a soundtrack are for.

And speaking of sound, the 3-D  movies are quite loud. The technology generally embraces the action and horror genres which are already loud. After all, they're jam packed with noisy vehicle crashes, mayhem and screaming.  

Are you saying I will enjoy it more if I would just lie back and allow you to MEGAPHONE it all to me? If I could just see the nose hairs of the leading guy and dodge the screeching oncoming train as it careens off the hovering Alps? Ohhhh. That would be so cool. 

I don't think so. ;-)

Good night,
Wanda Eve

1 comment:

Robin Bonneau Yokel said...

I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!! 3-D is ridiculous and i never go to 3-d movies. they make me feel like i've just been raped by a giant synthetic screen. uuhhhggggg!